THE DOUBLE STANDARD OF FORGIVENESS IN FRIENDSHIPS AND LOVE
If you can forgive that situationship time and time again but hold your friends to a one-strike-and-you’re-out standard, I think there needs to be some reassessment of your priorities. I am by no means perfect with this; I have only recently been holding myself accountable, so I am not writing this to condescend or talk down to readers. But why is it so easy to forgive Chad for hitting up his ex-girlfriend five months into dating him but not forgive your best friend for bailing out on a plan you two had?
Maybe it is how we are raised? Maybe it’s the hyper fixation of a girl’s duty to find herself a partner, or else she is a failure in life? Or maybe it’s to avoid the idea of being alone? Honestly, I think the third option is the most realistic for many people. Which is totally understandable; being alone WOULD suck. But to sacrifice your friendships while keeping romantic relationships afloat isn’t what’s going to keep you from feeling alone. Especially now in our 20s, having strong friendships built on love is a rarity and should be held to a higher priority than they often are.
I think the value of friendships requires a whole different entry because that alone is something I could yap about for hours. But to forgive those friendships that were once held dear to your heart but are now just a memory is so sad. I recently mended a relationship with a friend that I would consider one of the biggest heartbreaks in my life. The tears and hurt for sure equated to what I have felt in breakups with guys, so that is how I would explain the impact of that friendship’s downfall on me. Why did the friendship end? Who ended it? Was it worth ending? These are the types of questions that would circle in my head after a few years of us not talking.
Memories and inside jokes would pop into my head, and the image of that friend would follow after. It was a different type of pain that I would feel, one of feeling bad and sorry that someone who meant so much to me could so easily disappear from my life. I held onto a grudge for years because I felt justified in doing so. I thought I would never allow someone to treat me that way again. Yet, I can recall times when past ex-boyfriends have done me WAY dirtier.
I remember being in a relationship with an ex where I think we were on and off roughly 10 times within one year. I would drive an hour and a half in a snowstorm just to drive back home the next day after being dumped, only to be back in la-la land with him the week after. Or another time when I was on vacation with an ex while he was actively Snapchatting his ex. We brushed that off within one conversation like it was no big deal??? I know that may say a lot about me at the time, and granted, I was barely 20, so please don’t judge too harshly. But like, be so freaking for real – I was able to bounce back from those events, but when things went south with this friend, I gave it a one-strike-and-you’re-out attitude.
Fast forward to this year, and I couldn’t help but think, what is the worst that could happen? She says to F off? Cool. I wasn’t looking to go back to the pre-friendship split, but I hoped to give grace to the friendship we had as it meant so much to me at the time. I think it takes more out of you to hold onto the guilt, shame, and resentment than it does to swallow your pride and reach out. After talking with her, I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders and relieved that we are on good terms. This sounds morbid, but if I were to die tomorrow, it would’ve been something I would have regretted not addressing. She deserved to know that I don’t hold animosity toward her anymore, and I wish her all good things.
The biggest disclaimer I want to put out there is that I didn’t reach out expecting the same response from her. I was fully prepared for radio silence if that’s what she wanted, or an impersonal conversation. It was just something I felt I selfishly needed to do from my end.
I had another moment where I reached out to another friend that I considered one of my best friends in high school. She is an example of someone who didn’t have much interest in keeping the conversation going nor did she want to salvage anything we had. But the conversation was extremely civil and I left it feeling good that she knew how I felt. I just have to respect that it is a boundary she wants to draw in her life with me, but I felt her forgiveness at that moment, and it was all I could ask for.
There is nothing more humbling than realizing that you need to not only swallow your pride and forgive but also apologize for any wrongdoings on your part. I know I have messed up so many times with friendships, and I am sure I will continue to do so. Just like I am sure the friends I have in my life will do things that may hurt me, but I need to give them grace and myself, ESPECIALLY if it is a genuinely close friendship. I am so grateful for the amazing ladies in my life who make being a girl so fun and enjoyable. I’d love to know your thoughts though; let me know if there is a time that you have been in a best friend breakup and what you did about it (or didn’t do! No judgment here!).
I’d love to give a shout-out to my two best friends, Maggie and Grace, for being the very definition of what makes a great friend. I am grateful to have tough conversations with each of them, whether about events, others, or each other. They are a huge reason I have come to this humbling realization!
“When someone does something wrong, don’t forget about all the things they did right.”
