FORGIVING OUR PARENTS
Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion, but I think it takes a lot of maturity to learn how to forgive our parents. I have so much respect for people who share their stories of how they forgive their parents for their trauma. The most humble part of it is that it seems the parents are oblivious and lack accountability for the issues, yet their children can forgive without having the “I forgive you” conversations. It sounds more like self-reflection and coming to terms with it than it is about having a sit-down conversation. Yet, some people never forgive their parents. You’d think an issue between two people would stay between them, but it somehow always turns into a battle where family members are used as ammunition, changing “the battle” to include more people.
Now remember, this is my corner of the internet, my safe space, and I have made a promise to myself to stay authentic with Minsley Girl. Let’s talk about how the choice of not forgiving your parents impacts multiple people outside of the party.
So straight to the point, I haven’t had a genuine conversation with my grandma in over 10 years, except for once during COVID (seems like COVID was forever ago now). First of all, it isn’t my business what happened between her and my parent—that is between them—so I am not going to air out their dirty laundry on the internet. BUT, I will share how this long-term feud has impacted me.
My grandma on the other side of the family is the epitome of a grandma who loves to play cards, bake cookies, and watch Lifetime specials late at night while crocheting. Growing up, I have only had that one grandma consistently in my life who has truly filled that role for me, as the other one wasn’t allowed to be in our lives. Fast forward to adulthood, while I COULD reach out and foster the relationship with the distanced grandma, I feel there lacks a foundation of familiarity. I don’t consume myself with self-pity anymore because it is what it is, and I have formed such deep relationships with others (shout out to Nana from my boyfriend's side of the family; her love is unconditional and so kind). So I don’t feel like I have missed out anymore, and I am happy for my cousins who have that close relationship I once craved with the distanced grandma. But I always think of what could have been with us and my brothers, and the memories that would have built us to be something more now. I’d like to think we would have more conversations than just “Happy Holidays” and “Happy Birthdays” if things were different. I wish I could know more about her and that side of the family, and that she would know who I am beyond being a relative. I hope this paints a picture of what I mean by not forgiving your parents lacing a poison that stains roots growing into other relationships.
To say I have had a pretty complicated upbringing would be a major understatement. There are things my dad and mom have done that I, at one point in my life, considered unforgivable. I still struggle with the hurt thinking back on moments. I hurt for myself and my siblings with the shared trauma we went through. Yet, I have seen firsthand how removing someone from my life hurts not just myself but those I love deeply. I realized I needed to put aside my ego of wanting my parents to know just how badly they'd hurt me. In reality, it isn’t about wanting them to know how bad they’ve hurt me; it’s about wanting to be accepted, loved, and respected. Also, I’m assuming there may be a lot of shame and embarrassment about their actions, as anyone would feel when reflecting on actions they regret. It isn’t always easy to own those shameful memories, and it is often easier to let them slide away as things that aren’t talked about. I can see the regret in how they change their behaviors and habits, and that is enough for me to forgive them for the past.
The biggest lesson I have learned is just how much family matters, especially as we get older. I would like to take this moment to give the biggest shout-out to my boyfriend’s side of the family. I have never felt so accepted and loved in a family that isn’t mine. Their love runs so deep and loyal to one another; I am so grateful to be able to call them my second family. They have taught me the value behind what makes having a family so special. They’ve also taught me so much about what it means to forgive certain family members. I hold so much respect for them. <3
But ok, I know, sometimes there is a HARD line where there is no turning back with some parents. That would obviously be the exception here. But before you jump to say “Well, they have crossed that hard line, so why would I ever forgive them?”
Honestly ask yourself:
Is forgiving them going to hurt my ego, or is it going to continue to put myself in danger?
Who does this impact? (Are there young siblings involved? Children? Loved ones?)
Will keeping them at arm's length and limiting our interactions benefit our relationship?
Are they already beating themselves up about it and genuinely feeling pretty bad?
If something were to happen to them tomorrow… Would you feel things were left unresolved?
I’d just like to clarify that just because you forgive someone, it doesn't mean they need to be back in your life at 100%. You can lay down boundaries of how often you would be ok talking, interacting, and so forth. You still need to allow yourself to be selfish in some regard, but be mindful of the situation.
Let’s remind ourselves that it’s our parents’ first time at this life thing too. I think the moment we are straight up with ourselves and give ourselves some tough love by being realistic, it’s the moment we truly start to heal from parent trauma.
“The truth is,
unless you let go,
unless you forgive yourself,
unless you forgive the situation,
unless you realise that the situation is over,
you cannot move forward.”
