COMPLEXITY OF GUILT
I swear - one of my best friends deserves a PhD in psychology without having gone to school for it. We had a conversation recently about why someone might stay on your mind, even though you may not care for them at all - and her perspective hit me.
(going to make up names to keep things anon)
“I feel like guilt makes you confuse feelings. I legit was telling Rachel yesterday that I used to think I missed Johnny so much because I was soooo distraught when we broke up. But after stepping away from the situation and growing older, I realized it wasn’t him I missed—it was the guilt over how things ended that had me upset. I never actually liked him.”
I find myself often looking back on the whys and hows of past relationships. Believe me, I am the QUEEN of nostalgia. It’s funny though because sometimes I’ll feel nostalgic about people I don’t even care about anymore, but that I once had love for.
The other day, a song put me in a spiral—Love Song For the Haters by FLEECE. These particular lyrics hit something deep inside me that I found myself relating to::
Something 'bout today
Makes me feel okay
That you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
You're not the reason for this song
It's to remind me that the trauma you caused
Was just your insecurities playing tricks on my mind
I'm done and through with toxic love.
Listening to that made me circle back to something I’d been feeling for a while: it’s not that I want people from my past back in my life, it’s that I still feel guilty about how things ended. For example, I’ve had this urge to reach out to an old close friend, and I finally did about a month ago. Things between us are good now, but when I think about why I kept dwelling on that friendship in the past, it was mostly because of guilt over how it ended.
It’s funny because I still can’t pinpoint exactly what I felt guilty about—that would be something I’d need to sit with for a while (lol). But I know this feeling well. I’ve thought about other friendships that faded or a breakup from a few years ago, and I can tell there’s guilt over the hurt I caused. I don’t regret ending things, but I wonder if I could’ve handled it better—less painfully.
This brings me back to the conversation I had with my friend. She made me realize I’m still carrying around guilt, but unlike in other situations, I don’t want to reach out this time. And honestly, it feels contradictory to what I believe in. Normally, I’d say it’s worth clearing the air, but so much time has passed, and there are other people’s feelings where it would REALLY cross a boundary. Plus, reaching out could send the wrong message, like I’m looking to rekindle something when in reality, I’m happy with where I am now. I left that situation behind for a reason. The song helped me put into words what I’ve been feeling - this weird mix of nostalgia and gratitude for my current life.
I also think about a friend of mine who recently ended things with her now-ex. She did and still does feel guilty for calling it off. I think girls tend to process breakups differently than guys do. We go through months of thinking about ending it, hanging on just in case things change or one last talk finally sticks. But when nothing changes and you eventually pull the plug, it can seem abrupt for the guy, even though for us, it’s been playing on repeat in our heads for so long. So that guilt doesn’t leave just because you end something with someone you did/do care about, I know that she still feels guilty about it and often wonders if she misses the relationship or if she feels guilty.
Whether we admit it or not, I think guilt is a common feeling when it comes to old friends or exes. For a long time, I didn’t understand why certain people would randomly pop up in my thoughts until I realized it was guilt—plain and simple. So maybe the next step is learning to forgive ourselves. Maybe closure isn’t about talking to the person but about giving ourselves the closure we need to move forward.
“When thinking about life, remember this:
no amount of guilt can change the past
and no amount of anxiety can change the future.”
